Neil, Grumpy and Placid (or how not to ride an Elephant!)

"You've done what!" exclaimed my long suffering wife as I tried to explain why I had gone ahead and booked an 'Interaction with Elephants' for our forthcoming trip to South Africa without talking it through with her first.

The web site advertising the experience was fulsome in its description and the elephants in the picture looked gentle, placid and welcoming. The advert gushed about the joy of riding the elephants through the African bush as the sun was rising and then watching them as they had their morning bath. I was hooked. Here was my chance to get close to nature and commune with the elephants. Without hesitation I checked on availability, found that they had spaces when we would be there and then, in my excitement, I pressed the wrong button and before I knew it our reservation was confirmed.

I thought that fate had taken a hand and that it was destiny that we should go so I paid there and then.

Breaking the news to my wife had been one thing, telling my eldest son who was coming with us another.

"And who do you think you are, Tarzan?" was his immediate response and then he and my wife not only took bets about how long it would be before I fell off but also reviewed my life insurance policy.

The day came for the interaction and we duly arrived in the bush just as sunrise was breaking. We saw two elephants kicking an extra-large soccer ball and I reflected that what the two elephants lacked in skill they more than made up for in sheer weight. I pondered that if only they were in the England soccer squad then the World Cup would be ours.

The elephants spotted us; instinctively they knew that it was interaction time and they walked towards us. Food was thrust into our hands which the elephants gratefully received and it was soon clear that so long as we kept feeding the elephants they were happy and content.

This state of affairs lasted for about 20 minutes then one of the elephants saw out of the corner of his eye the staff preparing for the ride. Suddenly his expression changed and he looked me straight in the eye. The malevolence was clear to see. He did not want me on his back, he did not want to go for a walk nor did he want a bath. He became one grumpy elephant. I looked at the other elephant. He didn't seem to care and was rather placid so I named him that.

Grumpy as I named the reluctant elephant reluctantly got down and then reality struck me. When the advert mentioned riding I thought that I would ride the elephant mounted on a sort of chair as the Maharajahs of India did. That was not to be. We were going to ride African style with only a blanket between me and Grumpy's skin.

Getting up close to Grumpy I realised just how big he was. Placid on the other hand was smaller. I tried to make my way over to Placid but Grumpy had other ideas. I was to be his to play with as he liked.

He bellowed, waved his trunk and I hesitated. Too late my wife and son were on Placid's back and they rose with ease. Grumpy looked at me as, like a condemned man, I was escorted by the staff to the elephant and asked to get on its back.

Now I am built for comfort not speed and my physique is to be honest out of shape so getting on Grumpy was easier said than done. He was just too big. Try as I might I could not straddle Grumpy; my legs would just not stretch. After one attempt I ended up with my head hanging over one side of Grumpy and my legs the other. That produced laughter all around.

Placid was now getting bored. He was already up and ready to go and unlike Grumpy he did want a bath so he started to get agitated. That prompted the staff to take radical action. To this day I do not know how they did it but one member of staff held my left leg with the other staff member stretching and pulling the right leg. The result I was on Grumpy who immediately rose to his fuIl height. A wave of his trunk and a grunt and he was off with me hanging on for grim death.

It was at that stage that one of the staff thought he would impart some words of wisdom,
    "If he runs don't jump off"!

Using language that my wife has not heard me say in our 32 years of marriage I assured him that jumping off was the least of my worries as Grumpy followed by Placid quickly walked out of the compound. As we went on the journey to the river the pain in my groin was growing worse and soon I had to ask to get off.

There in the middle of the bush Grumpy got down and I fell off his back. "I win the bet" exclaimed my son and, as I crawled back up, my eye met Grumpy's and he waved his trunk in triumph. Round 1 to Grumpy!

The staff said that I would have to walk with the elephants to the river so under the rising sun which was getting hotter and hotter we set off once more. Although painful, walking was a much better alternative to Grumpy's back. I walked in front followed by Grumpy and Placid but Grumpy had other ideas about who should be leading. Five minutes more into the walk I was slowing down which gave Grumpy the excuse he needed. Suddenly I felt Grumpy's trunk hit my back. It was his way of telling me to move faster or move over. It was no contest and I surrendered by moving to the side. Grumpy once more waved his trunk and snorted telling all he was the boss. Round 2 to the elephant.

Now that I knew my place the rest of the walk to the river was uneventful. Once at the river my wife and son got off Placid and we were escorted under the viewing platform to the steps which took us to the vantage point. Refreshed by water and Pepsi we watched the elephants cavort in the water. Then it was back to the compound.

I saw the battered Mercedes waiting to take us back and my wife, son and I went back under the viewing platform. Then it happened. I failed to lower my head to avoid one of the planks and concussed I fell to the floor.

When I finally crawled out I saw my wife and son speeding off leaving me with two elephants and some staff.

"Why did they not wait?" I wailed.
"We11, Boss, only you booked the walk back" was the reply.

So here I was; a 50 something unfit Englishman sitting in the morning heat concussed and nursing an injured groin with two elephants and some Africans for company and facing the long walk back.

Slowly, very slowly we made our way back. This time there was no argument Grumpy was in front and I followed.

As we approached the compound my wife and son were both seated drinking coffee and eating pastries.

"Good walk dear?" asked my wife.

I did not answer as, by this time, the only thing on my mind was quenching my thirst and hunger but it was not to be. I had only taken a sip of liquid and a bite when the head ranger came up,
""Well folks that completes your interaction with the elephants and we would like to thank you for your visit. If you will now make your way to the truck we will take you back."

We walked to the truck past Grumpy who looked me in the eye. once more he raised his trunk in triumph and then went back to playing soccer with placid. - total victory!

Once in the truck my son turned to me,
"That was good, Dad, now for the quad biking!!!"

My wife just smiled and mentally re-checked the life insurance policy.

As for me I returned the smile and thought it could not get worse - little did I know!!!